Jun 14, 2020
Your libido levels change over your lifetime. And it can be multifactorial.
There are 3 key elements to work on in order to raise your level of desire. These are:
- the emotional connection from your partner
- vaginal health
- hormonal levels
It's best to start with your connection with your significant other.
Gary Chapman's book "The 5 love languages", explains that people send and receive love differently. You can strengthen your connection with your significant other by making sure you are filling each other's love bucket. He discusses 5 ways to do this and explains that everyone is different and unless you are sending love in the way they want to receive it there will be a missed opportunity to connect with them. The 5 ways are:
- words of affection
- physical touch
- quality time
- acts of service
It's time to have a conversation with your partner and find out how you can send them more love in a meaningful way to them and how they can make sure you are also receiving love in a way that is filling you up emotionally.
Vaginal health was covered in a previous article - Vaginal health during menopause
Here are some general tips to help improve your libido
- Hormone levels are highest in the morning. Experiment with lovemaking at different times of the day, many couples find the mornings work best.
- Being tired and being intimate also don't work well together, some couples find early afternoon also works well as they are tired at night and if they aren't good sleepers, they are still tired in the morning.
- Skin to skin contact is very important. Having a massage or sleeping naked cuddled up with each other can be a good starting point.
- Increase the amount of foreplay. Even before the clothes come off. Be creative with this and think about what turned you on at the beginning of your relationship. Some ideas include feeding each other, washing each other, grooming each other, reading erotic literature, watching erotic films, visiting an erotic art gallery, going to a sex shop.
- Use lubricants. Yes is an example of a pure pH balanced, natural, and organic lubricant range.
- Play around with different positions. Missionary every time gets boring, spice things up, who knows you might find a new favourite position.
- Intimacy is more than just penetration. If penetration is uncomfortable, be imaginative and play around with other options such as external stimulation, hands, mouth, toys etc. Make sure you are communicating with your partner about your sensations good and bad so that your experience can be tailored for your ultimate pleasure.
- Remember to breathe. There are so many different breathing techniques to increase your connection with your partner (synced breathing) and your ability to orgasm (orgasmic breathe). Stop holding your breath and start by relaxing and connecting with your breath.
- As we age our body changes shape. Consider if your opinion about your body shape is behind your lack of libido. Do you need counseling to see you are beautiful as you are? And are capable of both giving and receiving love regardless of your weight.
- Regular exercise can help increase your testosterone level and improve your self-confidence.
- Certain diseases (such as diabetes) and certain medications can reduce your sexual desire. Speak to your doctor about whether this could be the issue for you and if there are other ways to treat you that don't have the same result for your libido.
- Speak to a medical herbalist about whether any of these herbs may be beneficial for you: Tribulus, Shatavari, Withania, Ginseng
- Consider your zinc status.
Final point, sex is NOT an obligation. It should be a mutually satisfying part of a loving and healthy relationship. There is no shame in seeing a couples counselor or sex therapist to help get you both back on track. Lack of libido can also be a sign it's not a loving and healthy relationship, please seek help and consider your options if this is the case.
Other useful resources: